5 Tips for Finance Bros Upset about $GME
Don’t Worry, Little Dudes, This Advice is Super Helpful
What would 2021 be without a Big News Wednesday to endcap January? After decades of betting against businesses and profiting off of their downfall, some hedge fund managers and employees have been salting their freedom fries with tears over being beaten at their own game. As they should, I mean, how will they make their yacht payment next month?
Well, I thought I would remind them of some of the tips they’ve given my generation and class over the years. I hope this helps!
1. Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps
What would our country be if we didn’t confront the less fortunate with not compassion, but a plea for them to stop complaining and fix it themselves? Sure, the system is rigged against most of us, but you don’t have to worry about that. So this should be especially easy for you, right? I mean, you work on Wall Street, you’re not some peasant.
2. Stop Going to Starbucks
Like any college student navigating their way through meager tips and long hours knows, you need to be living within your means. I mean, come on, if you stop eating out, quit going to Starbucks, you’ll be fine! Just be responsible, like a grown-up! I have faith in you, you can do it. Making coffee at home is really easy.
3. Work Harder
This is common sense. Just get a new job, and then a second job. If you’re having trouble finding one, just try walking in to a business and introducing yourself. Don’t forget your paper resumé! Follow up calls are a great idea, HR definitely doesn’t find that to be a nuisance. Besides, we all know you wouldn’t be in this position if you weren’t lazy or inept, so just try a little harder. Ok?
4. Ask Your Parents for a Loan
Time to set your pride aside, it’s ok to ask for help, you could get a small loan from Mom and Dad to help pay off that summer home. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind helping you out, just ask. I mean, they have the means, right? If not, well, that’s your fault and you should probably just move on to the last tip.
5. Save Responsibly
Start stashing those pennies, and don’t touch them! Instead of going to out to eat you can take that 20 bucks (or $2k, I don’t know how much sushi costs for you people) and stash it away. You’ll have enough to live comfortably and retire in no time. And remember, no cashing out that 401(k) early. (When you find a new job, of course) You may also consider reaching out to a financial adviser, check your local library for workshops! You can also ask your parents for financial advice, right? It’s high time for you to start living within your means. Stop making such risky investments and save, save, save!
Hey, Wall Street and the mega-rich, do you see how stupid you sound? Do I hope you make it out of this? Not really. I hope you are deeply humbled and that we impose strict regulations on Wall Street that keep you from manipulating the system. Do I feel bad that normal people took advantage of the system by doing the exact same thing you do? No. You made this mud pie, now eat it.
